Managing Vaginal Pain with Intercourse
© photo by https://timeilluminated.com
This is such a complex issue, so if you suffer from dyspareunia or vulvodynia, please make sure you seek professional help on ways to have safe, penetrative sex. Experiencing pain during sex is not ‘normal’. If putting in a tampon or having penetrative sex causes you pain, please see a healthcare professional, specifically a Pelvic Floor Therapist. Here are some things that have helped me during my treatment journey, with guidance from my PFT.
Before we get into it…Repeat after me: sex does not equal penetration. Good. Now write it down, keep it on your desktop screen, keep a sticky note on your mirror, put the sticky not on your partner’s forehead :) and say it to yourself as often as you can. You are not worth less as a human being because you cannot have penetrative sex. You are not worth less if you do not orgasm from penetrative sex alone. You are sexy, you are capable, and more than adequate.
Now of course being able to have penetrative sex is ideal (if you’re into that), and if you suffer from vaginal pain, penetrative sex is something that you want to be able to experience without pain. I’d like to emphasize ‘without pain’, because it is important not to push through painful intercourse that is causing more stress than pleasure. Finding this line between pain and pleasure may not be easy, which is why checking in with yourself and your body is important. I’ve been there many times in the middle of sex when my partner asks “does it hurt? are you ok?” and I literally do not know the answer. Because it always fucking hurts - sometimes it is manageable and I am having enough pleasure that it is not adding stress to my body. However, other times it is too much and I need to take a moment to breathe. But you need to be able to have these conversation with your sexual partner -whether it is a casual relationship, long-term partnership, or one night stand. My golden rule is, if you can’t talk about it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it! (ps. that doesn’t mean do it less lol it means talk more).
Firstly, you need a good supportive parter that A.) knows about your situation, and B.) is prepared to provide any support that you need during/after sexual intercourse. How this person supports you will be based a lot of personal preference in terms of emotional vulnerability and your relationship with your body. I find that if I need to stop because of pain, I do not want to talk about it and bring in that emotional element when my anxiety is already high. The best support I had was when a partner continued to keep the spark going and the mood ‘light’. Sometimes it helped to laugh. Other times we would do other fun things that didn’t cause pain. Then, when I was calm we would have a conversation - what worked? What didn’t work? What do I need? What do I like? What can we do differently to avoid that feeling? How can I be better supported the next time I experience that level of pain?
It is challenging not to go into a tail spin of self blame. I often became angry at myself for ‘pushing through the pain’, and then felt stupid for trying to have sex in the first place. I read countless articles that said many women experience an aversion to sex when it is constantly associated with painful intercourse. That never occurred for me, my sex drive remained the same - quite high actually. I did however, experience anxiety, especially right before penetration. With these two contradicting feelings - the desire for sex, and the feared anticipation of the pain, I was left feeling confused, frustrated, and alone.
Do not undermine the hardship that painful sex causes. And don’t expect to be able to handle it without any professional guidance or counselling - whether that is physical, mental, or both. Vaginal health complications like continual yeast infections, UTI’s, Vulvodynia, and Vaginismus throw a wrench into a lot of opportunities for women or people with vagina’s to experience pleasure.
Here are a few things that can help if you experience pain upon penetration:
Again, first consult a healthcare professional.
Ensure that your vulva is sufficiently lubricated before penetration - whether that is through a lot of foreplay, or an additional lubricant to aid with the process.
Learning to relax your vaginal walls and pelvic floor upon entry. Taking deep breathes and focusing on what your body is feeling. Take it slow. We can tense up without realizing it when we are stressed or anxious.
Find positions that work for you. Work as a team with your sexual partner; communicate. It takes a lot of trial and error to find the right spot for you and your body. Sometimes instant pleasure and connection happen right away, but often, it takes time and effort to learn about one another’s bodies.
Some after sex care:
Pee after sex.
Cold cloth compress. I often felt a burning and throbbing pain that was pretty unbearable. The coldness soothed a bit of that pain and heat.
Insert finger and relieve muscle tension with kegels - make sure you have received training from a practitioner on how to do this based on your needs. There are different kinds of kegels, and different ways to practice them based on what your vaginal walls need. They may also not be necessary for you.
Lay down and put your legs up on the wall, followed by some deep breathing. This is also great for anxiety!
Send me a message if you are experiencing pain and unsure how to go about seeking treatment. Help is out there - you just need to be pointed in the right direction.
xoxo
Divulge
