Meeting a Chronic Pain Friend

The first time I met someone with chronic pain I was in my 5th year of University. I had been dealing with vulvodynia for more than a year, and felt very alone. It seemed as though there was no one else my age dealing with a similar issue, and I was tired of explaining my pain to people who didn’t understand.

Then suddenly…I met someone who had pain too.

He was in my research methods class. We had to create groups based on similar interests - there were 5 of us who wanted to research chronic pain and its treatments. As we came together, we all started sharing our ideas and finding a focus for the project. We were the only two in the group with chronic pain, and I could sense both of our faces lighting up when we each briefly shared our experience with pain.

After class, we were packing up and the two of us were the last there. As we were finishing up a conversation about next weeks class he asked, “So you have chronic pain, do you mind if I ask where in your body?” I replied, “I don’t mind”, laughing a little, “but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable”. He reassured me to go for it, so I explained I had chronic pain in my pelvic floor and vulva. He then looked at me right in the eyes as he asked “inside or outside?”

Now you might be thinking…”um are you crazy? what are you doing talking to a random guy about your vagina?!” But here’s the thing. I am a firm believer that the vulva is a body part just like your arm or leg, and he seemed very comfortable, and genuinely interested. So I replied, “Both, I experience sharp vaginal pain, and muscular pain”. The emotional support and validation he gave me in that moment is something I had yet to experience. I then asked him about his pain. He explained that he was still in search for a diagnosis for the extreme pain on one side of his body. It had been 2 years for him without any answers. I expressed my admiration in his ability to remain positive through it all.

We ended up talking about how chronic pain, oddly enough, can make you more comfortable and proud of your body. And that while we weren’t grateful for the pain, we were grateful for the experience and the new sense of confidence it gave us. We understood one another completely in that moment, finishing one other’s thoughts.

I felt seen.

I felt heard.

But most of all, I finally didn’t feel alone.

We finished our research project with the rest of our group members, the semester ended, and that was it! Even though he was just a little more than a stranger, meeting him will always mean so much to me.

Sometimes small connections can provide so much more for us than we realize. And so, I continue to share my story in case there’s anyone listening who needs to feel a little less alone too.

xoxo

Dee